A Black Feather, A poison pen... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the random and scattershot musings of mad birds In the morning (later this morning to be more precise) i will go to the Art Detour. I was also going to throw in a trip to Zia afterward to look for some more tunes to add to the collection, but last night, i got one of those wild, impulse-buying hairs up my ass... Bought The Ring, Rules of Attraction, and The Road to Perdition on DVD and picked up a couple of price-dropped games (Gungrave and Dark Cloud as well as a new package of socks, pair of pants, groceries and the obligatory insulin needles. I still have a healthy chunk of cash left from this pay period but i will have to stretch it a tiny bit... thankfully, further clothes purchases will likely not be overly necessary as that dark spot on the calendar where the family chooses to commemorate the occasion whereupon the supposedly medically unlikely came to fruition back in '72. (it goes a little something like this... when my mother was still carrying my older brother there were apparently enough prenatal complications that the MD's told her that if she sought to, she would, in all likelihood, never be able to carry or bear another one...never mind the fact that 4 kids is enough to contend with in the first place...perhaps too many in the eyes of some...what sane person goes out and brings forth rugrat number five into the world...nevertheless, five and one half years after my brother caused mom to briefly flatline during delivery...i happen...and it's been pretty much downhill since then) Amusing anecdote from last night...from a certain persective at least... i swear i don't know how much listerine i gargled to wash away the traces of the figuratively shitty taste last night's little episode outside the grocery store left in my mouth...panhandler comes up and begs some change off of my brother and i... bro's carrying plastic and panhandler doesn't have a card-swipe or keypad jammed up his ass so no-go on that deal, i fish in my pockets and hand the guy 2 or three bucks and a handful of assorted coins....anyway, after thanking me for the cash, he won't let go of my and and decides to lead a little prayer, during the middle of which he bursts into tears and starts imploring the allegedly almighty about how and why this happened... as i've got one hand on his shoulder and am gently patting him on the back with the other trying to reassure the guy, i start mouthing every platitude that has ever made me want to retch and heave whenever someone handed them to me if i was feelng low. ( i won't repeat them, i'm so ashamed of myself for saying things i don't believe... even if the sell-out was well-intended) Someone who knew him came to collect him before the store managers called the cops on him and they thanked us for being so nice to him...they were homeless as well and when we came into the parking lot i had seen them on the other side scouting around trying to find him....something of a family unit by the looks of things Dinner, when i got around to eating it did not taste as good. The combination of the taste of my hypocracy along with my head-cold-impaired taste-buds and the sour acid taste brewing from wanting to mangle the guy who beat up the girl from the office. I washed my hands of the formidable layer of dirt that my contact with the man had left on me, but i hated myself for having such an otherwise good day while other people were in one form of dire straits or another. True enough my last couple of weeks have not been without their own unpleasantries, bu by comparison, my own problems seemed trivial....this is the point that the well-wishers who give me their platitudes never understand, especially the ones who don't know all about where i've been and what i've done and thus have no context from which to speak...some of the things in their lives that they perceived as challenges seemed comparatively like blessings to me... if nothing else, i can be glad that i did not try to equate my breif scatterings of time spent living out on the street, sleeping in dark corners of parks and wherever else i could to the amount of time he's likely spent there trying to do the same....
2:18 a.m. - 2003-03-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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