A Black Feather, A poison pen...

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and i seldom feel the bright relief

I was going to offer some explanation of why i feel the way i do, but between the fact that it would be dismissed as invalid as soon as i say it and the fact that i'm tired of telling it.
Here's the condensed version:
Religion, when i had any, told me that every thing happens for a reason (that malevolent concept called "the will of god") and that if anything bad happened to me, it was due largely in part to my own sins
Now, though, i have no religion, i get told that everything happens for a reason, and that if anything bad happens, i was somehow subconsiously to blame for it
and it's almost funny (but not quite) how similar those concepts sound.
i left "God" behind because he/she/it seemed to make no provision for happenstance
And if it's all a collection of my subconscious efforts cutting me off at the knees all the time, then hey, I must be one amazingly omnipresent motherfucker if i can manage to arrange that many things against myself. And if i could be in that many places and times i would actually BE god.

7:49 p.m. - 2003-03-15

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a jump to the left - a step to teh right